Sugar is good for my teeth.

Morning affirmation. Repeat this affirmation to yourself while enjoying your breakfast. Don't talk with your mouth full!

Disgust with oneself is a sign of strength.

Midnight affirmation. This is a great affirmation for those insomniac nights when your "should'ves" list just seems to keep growing. To pacify yourself enough to get four or five hours of sleep, repeat this affirmation in a low voice thirty times while lying down in a quiet, dark room. If that doesn't work, take a sleeping pill or something.

My life is a rickety roller coaster!

Evening affirmation. Repeat in a believable voice (one that most people would believe is you unless they listened reallllly carefully) fifteen times exactly one half-hour before going to bed. The creaking and shaking of life's roller coaster is what makes it FUN! If you see nails falling out and wood splinterng, all the better!

Pine cones are my friends.

Morning affirmation. Gaze in a shiny mirror and repeat this affirmation out loud eleven times to yourself. Try not to blink!

The key to the universe is within someone else's mind.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation to yourself in a public place. Try to guess which person in your view is holding the key to the universe in their minds. When you think you've figured it out, chase them down, shove them to the ground, and demand that they hand over the damn key! For your efforts you will be blessed with eternal wisdom.

I am incapable of participating in a loving relationship.

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times each night while looking at your reflection in a mirror. This affirmation may be also shortened to make it easier to share with others (on dates, during arguments, in line at the DMV...): "I am incapable of love."

I am a pink fetal sheep.

Afternoon affirmation. You can be anything you want to, but I know you want to be a pink fetal sheep. Repeat this affirmation twelve times in the afternoon and get in touch with your inner unborn lamb.

I'll never amount to anything.

Morning affirmation. What better way to start your day than with a Life-Changing Affirmation? Repeat this one ten times over your morning coffee and you'll be ready to take on the world!

What's that smell? Oh, it's me.

Evening affirmation. Repeat this uplifting affirmation to yourself fifteen to twenty-one times per day. Especially effective when paired with aromatherapy. In this case, the scent to choose is your own underarms or feet, depending on which one is strongest. Sniff deeply, and exhale fully between each sniff.

The best anger is anger at your faults.

Tea-time affirmation. Gaze into your cup of tea and repeat this affirmation fifteen times. Do this at least once a day and by the end of one week you should feel a distinct change in your mood.

The devil is within me.

Morning affirmation. To harness the full power of this affirmation, repeat to yourself in a loud, yet whispery voice thirteen times immediately upon awakening.