Friday, July 29, 2005

I am a master of mediocrity.

Evening affirmation. Repeat fifteen times to yourself at least one time each evening. If you do not excel in mediocrity by the end of one week, let me know. I will give you another affirmation to test. We'll get this right eventually! Mostly.... OK, as good as we can, which isn't really saying much.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

I contribute nothing useful to the world.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation whenever you start to get a big ego.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Always remember to follow your dreams!

Morning affirmation. Sing this affirmation out as joyfully as possible at least seventeen times in the early morning hours. It doesn't matter what your dreams are--whether it is to go to school in your underwear, to be in a play that you haven't ever rehersed for, to fall off a cliff, or to make out with Shrek on top of your ex-boyfriend's car--you must always honor your dreams and work to make them come true! This affirmation will help you pursue your dreams.

Monday, July 25, 2005

I cannot reveal my sources.

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself and to anyone who looks in your direction.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Life-Changing Blog of Daily Affirmations is the best website ever!

Morning, afternoon, and evening affirmation. Repeat ten times in a row, three or more times per day, in a loud, sincere, passionate voice. Do this in public if possible... or at least loud enough for your neighbors to hear. This is an extremely powerful affirmation that could change the world as we know it. Get to it, my dear readers!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

My undiagnosed bone cancer is spreading.

Evening affirmation. Lie down is a quiet place, take several deep breaths, and repeat this affirmation twenty-three times in the early evening. Pay close attention to how your body feels before and afterwards. You should notice a distinct difference in your overall sense of health.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Hello, moderately good-looking!

Morning affirmation. What better way to start your day than by affirming your tolerable appearance? Repeat at least ten times while looking in the bathroom mirror. Remember to smile!

Monday, July 18, 2005

I am tossed about through life like a leaf in the wind.

Evening affirmation. Repeat this affirmation fifty-three times before retiring for the night. Remember: leaves that do not get blown around become mulch. You don't want to be mulch, do you?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Hellooooooo! Anybody out there?!?

Afternoon affirmation. Say this loudly a few times, no matter where you happen to be. Perhaps someone will answer and affirm their presence?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Life is an endless parade of misery and futility punctuated by short moments of mild happiness.

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times while gazing at yourself in any reflective surface: a mirror, a cup of black coffee, the back of a CD-ROM, a stranger's sunglasses, etc.

Monday, July 11, 2005

If you can't be someone's hero, be their heroin.

Evening affirmation. Repeat this affirmation to yourself at least thirty-seven times between the hours of 6pm and 11pm.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I am a petty, petty person.

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times in the most convincing tone you can muster while looking in a sparkling clean mirror.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Why is everybody staring at me?!?

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat twenty-two times loudly at 2pm and five times under your breath whenever someone looks in your direction.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I only know sad songs.

Evening affirmation. Repeat seven times at 5pm and another twenty-one times immediately before going to bed.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat.

Morning affirmation. Repeat fifteen times as quickly as possible immediately after waking up. If faced with a complicated task later in the day, revisit this affirmation; you will appreciate your life for the cakewalk it is.

Monday, July 04, 2005

I've never been so depressed in my whole life.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat twelve times while sitting crosslegged on a park bench. You may substitute a phonebook for the bench if necessary.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Obsessively checking blogs will make you a healthy, happy person, full of light and good will.

All-day affirmation. Repeat this affirmation each time you notice that you haven't looked at a blog in the last twenty minutes. For added benefits, refer to the blogs you visit in casual conversations with your coworkers and friends.