I have no fashion sense.

Morning afirmation. Repeat five times upon waking and again seven times while staring into your closet at all the clothes you don't want to wear.

I need to spend less time in nature.

Morning affirmation. Prepare yourself for tempting sunshiney days by repeating this affirmation to yourself ten times every morning. Resist the call of the trees! Resist the cooling waters of the river! If you must leave your house, do yourself a favor and go to the mall.

Every day is worse than the one before.

Evening affirmation. Repeat twelve times after dinner. Then spend some time reflecting on your day.

I love my bunions.

Evening affirmation. To see the beauty in pain and discomfort, repeat this affirmation at least twelve times in the evening right before you take off your shoes.

"Daily" means "every day" not "every week or so".

This affirmation is just for me. Apparently I'm lost like a sock at the laundromat. I've been neglecting my duties! This affirmation will help me remember to provide a new, helpful affirmation for you every day. Or it should anyway. If not... well, we just won't think about that possibility. La la la la la!

When I see the weasel, the weasel also sees me.

Morning affirmation. Repeat to yourself seven times at 7:30am and again at 9:00am. If you see a weasel, stop whatever you're doing and give the weasel a long, penetrating stare so that it may also benefit from this affirmation.

Irritations eventually make pearls.

Evening affirmation. Reflect on this affirmation after a full day of blessing people with small irritations. For best results, repeat the affirmation ten to fifteen times to yourself in the most peaceful, self-satisfied voice possible. This should be easy; after all, your grating attitude towards others will eventually result in beautiful pearls!

The world doesn't need aother song about rainbows.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat to yourself ten times at 2pm and again at 4pm. Use as needed when you get the urge to write songs about rainbows and what's on the other side. There are better things to do with your time.