I am completely lacking in imagination and spirit.

Evening affirmation. Repeat nine times (plus one) while looking at yourself in a mirror. Remember to keep eye contact!

My life has no meaning.

Morning affirmation. Repeat a few times at 8am, 8:30am, and 11am. If you care, anyway.

There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.

Morning affirmation. After a long night of not sleeping, repeat this affirmation several times. It might make you feel better. If you're lucky.

I deserve nothing.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat 14 times while looking at your reflection in a store window or a bowl of hot soup.

The FBI is not looking for me.

Evening affirmation. Say to yourself ten times each evening in either a loud booming voice or a paranoid whisper. Repeat five additional times if there is a loud knock at the door or clicking noises on your phone.

I don't EVEN care.

Morning affirmation. Repeat several times each morning. You don't have to look in a mirror for this one; in fact, it's most effective if you say it constantly as you simply go about your daily business. If people look at you funny, repeat the affirmation even louder.

I'm almost good enough!

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat ten times in a confident tone. Soon enough you'll feel nearly competent!

My life is completely out of my control.

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times out loud. After each recitation, tap the mirror three times with the index fingers of each hand. If you mess up, start over from the beginning. Check the oven to make sure it's not on. Check the pilot light to make sure it is on. When you walk from room to room, make sure you take an equal number of steps with each foot. Revel in your own inability to affect the course of your life.

I'm cold. I'm cold

Quiet reading time affirmation. Repeat 22 times while looking in a mirror.

With each passing day more and more people hate my guts.

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself while looking in a mirror. Pleasant dreams... don't let the bedbugs bite!

God, Goddess, and/or the Universe are laughing at my pitiful existence.

Morning affirmation. Repeat over and over and over and over and over and over and over until someone tells you to shut up already. Note: this "someone" may be that loony voice inside your head. Or it may be your roommate, partner, pet, neighbor, or houseplant.

I am most beautiful when I am in a bad mood.

Morning affirmation. Why not start your morning off right? Say this affirmation ten or more times while gazing intently at your own reflection. It just might make the difference between a good or a bad hair day.

When I go outside, flowers wilt and birds stop singing.

Springtime affirmation. Repeat to yourself ten times each morning while looking in a freshly-cleaned mirror.

I am cheesy and grateful when I am full of grated cheese.

Don't repeat this one EVER. Trust me, it will ruin your life.

I am not fat, I'm fluffy.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat four times each at 3pm, 4pm, 5pm, and 6pm. Picture yourself in a swimming suit and try your best to feel like you're possibly moderately attractive. To someone. Somewhere. Maybe.

To be grateful is to be great and full.

Tea-time affirmation. Repeat seven times. Try not to laugh because seriously, this is deep.

A clean mind is an empty mind.

Morning affirmation. Repeat 10 times while looking in a mirror. Try to clear your mind of all thoughts, especially the dirty ones.

Only fleas and ticks love me.

Blind-date affirmation. Repeat to youself whenever you need a confidence boost. :)

My arm hurts.

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times while looking at yourself in a mirror.

Blah blah blah.

Blah blah. Blah blah blah 12 blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

In times of stress I am weak and ineffectual.

Morning affirmation. Repeat five times before going to work and five more times on your first coffee break. Whisper under your breath whenever you pass your boss or an HR person in the hall.

My face is hideous; I should wear a mask.

Late-night affirmation. In a darkened room, whisper eleven times to yourself while looking in a mirror.

I have the power to make other people miserable.

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times while looking at yourself in a mirror.

Without my skin and everything inside it, I am nothing.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat twelve times while looking in a mirror.

With each passing day my body becomes weaker.

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times in a strong, convincing tone of voice.

Where my soul should be there is a huge pile of garbage.

Morning affirmation. Repeat eight times while gazing in a mirror. Remember to smile!