A tree is to the wind as I am to the pond.

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times upon awakening. At some point during the day, take a moment to reflect on the pond. This works best if you are actually leaning over it.

I just can't do anything right.

Anytime affirmation. Repeat to yourself out loud, but under your breth, at least five times whenever you do the slightest thing wrong. Oh crap! I misspelled "breath" back there. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. Ah, I feel much better!

If only my eyes were brown, everyone would love me.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat to yourself eleven time in a calm, serene voice while gazing at your reflection in a mirror. Afterwards, devote at least 20 minutes to wallowing in your own despair, knowing you can never change your eye color and therefore you will never be loved. Oh, unless you get colored contacts.

I am not as unique as I think.

Evening affirmation. Repeat to yourself twenty times, or until the words just stop making sense.

When in doubt, throw a fit.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat twenty times in a steadily increasing volume until someone actually LISTENS to what you're FREAKING TRYING to SAY! It may help to stomp your right foot to accent every other syllable. If the spirit moves you, feel free to thrash around on the ground and cry.

Oneness is achieved by ensuring that all your body parts are intact.

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times upon awakening. Repeat thirty times if one of your arms has fallen asleep.

Eating lentils is the way to enlightenment.

Dinertime affirmation. Repeat this affirmation with each bite of yummy lentil soup.

All the world is a stage, and all the people merely puppets forced to dance a crazy dance for the amusement of some sick weirdos.

Midnight affirmation. In the dead of night, when no one is around and you start to believe that no one--absolutely no one--cares about you, repeat this affirmation is a breathy whisper until you feel a little better. It may take a while, but be patient. However, if morning arrives and you're still as panic-stricken and pathetic as before, just move on to another affirmation already. Geez.

It's not that I don't have enough money; it's that I don't have enough credit cards.

Lunchtime affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself on your way to lunch and again just before the check arrives. Alternatively, "forget" your wallet at home and ask your companion to "help you out".

Anyone who likes me must be worth avoiding.

Evening affirmation. Repeat five times before and after each date.

I need to get my nose pierced.

Morning affirmation. Repeat to yourself thirteen times upon awakening each morning.

Dutiful is beautiful!

Tea-time affirmation. Repeat five times with each sip of tea. Hmm, this tea would be even better with a splash of soymilk, no?

With each breath I become more and more like Kid Rock.

Afternoon affirmation. Say to yourself ten times while gazing at your awsome, manly reflection in a mirror. You can use a hairbrush for a "mic" if you're into that.

April showers bring May humidity.

Springtime affirmation. Repeat to yourself five times, twice a day.

Smiling keeps the creeps away.

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself while looking in a round mirror.

If I act really psychotic, he'll come back to me.

Evening affirmation. Repeat in your own head ten times at 8pm and at least twelve times at 10pm. Don't move your lips, dammit! After each session, call your ex and scream at him or her. Then, drive by the house of the person you suspect they are seeing, letting your car idle in front of the house until you see movement inside the house. Then speed off! Later, go to a bar and get drunk and cry to strangers about how mistreated you were and how perfect your relationship was. Swear you're going to get a restraining order against your ex and their (possible) new partner. Call your ex and appologize for your behavior and swear you love them and that's why you're so mean to them. Remember to cry a LOT. If you do this often enough they'll come back to you, I promise. And you'll live happily ever after!

Nobody understands me.

Morning affirmation. Repeat to see the end because therein lies the truth. Remember to perceive often enough and tie up all the passages.

I am completely lacking in imagination and spirt.

Midnight affirmation. Say it! Say it! Say it! Six more times! Rah rah rah!

I am completely lacking in imagination and spirit.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat ten times in the most exuberant voice you can muster.

Each day is a little crappier than the last.

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times before bed to ensure pleasant dreams and a bright, sunshiney morning!

I am completely lacking in imagination and spirit.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself. Try to be covincing.