I am powerless to stop the ants from taking over my house.

Afternoon affirmation. Whether or not you have ants, repeat this affirmation twelve times. Remember, you can never be too emotionally prepared for bad things!

Blogging is a worthwhile activity!

Morning affirmation, just for me... though feel free to use it if you've been neglecting your blog. I will repeat this ten times today and again this evening if necessary. See y'all tomorrow, maybe!

I'm melting!!!! I'm melting...!!

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation in a quiet, high, squeaky voice when you or someone you're with is drinking a beverage with ice in it. Repeat it, oh... maybe twelve times, or until your friend starts to look really annoyed. Then say it three more times.

My back is weak and my mind muddied.

Afternoon affirmation. No, let's make this a morning affirmation. Repeat fifteen to twenty-three times as you prepare for yet another pointless day.

I'm cultivating dust.

Morning affirmation. Don't dust! Don't clean! Instead, repeat this affirmation twenty times each morning. Soon you'll have enough dust to sell on eBay!

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they will.

Morning affirmation. Repeat 1010 times (in binary).

I am so ashamed!

Evening affirmation. Hang your head low and say this affirmation slowly ten times.

I do not make time for my hobbies.

Evening affirmation. Repeat this affirmation ten times in the evening, or whenever you start to think that maybe life is not all about working hard. Snap out of it! Remember, you are not worthy of enjoying any free time at all, especially if you'd use it for something so fulfilling as a hobby. Shame on you. Really, the nerve! Hmph.

My life is stagnant.

Afternoon affirmation. In a dull, uninterested tone of voice, repeat this affirmation over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Each day I get older and older.

Evening affirmation. This one will come true whether you repeat it or not. However, to feel the full effect, look in a mirror and repeat this affirmation to yourself ten times in the evening before you go to bed. For best results, make sure you are standing under a harsh light that shows every wrinkle and blemish, and that accentuates the stains on your teeth.

Just ignore me.

Afternoon affirmation. Yawn. Repeat this affirmation a few times to your reflection... or, if you have any friends, say it to them at least three times a day.

I will stub my toe today.

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times each at 7am, 8am, 10:17am, and 11:30am.

I am ugly and mean.

Morning affirmation. Repeat this affirmation twelve times while eating breakfast, and another eight times before leaving your house for the day. If you don't leave the house all day, repeat the affirmation while gazing out the window. If you don't eat breakfast, you really ought to. Nothing gives you better start on the day than a good breakfast... except for a classic affirmation like "I'm ugly and mean".

The rain will never stop.

Evening affirmation. This affirmation is good on a rainy day, but you can say it on a sunny or foggy day and people will just think you're being poetic. You can pour water on yourself if it makes you feel better. Oh yeah... repeat thirty-two times for best results.

I must do my part to help the world burn out more quickly.

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation fifteen times at 4:12pm. Repeat an additional three times whenever you drive without a darn good reason, toss a can into the trash, or eat a cheeseburger. The sooner the age of humans ends, the sooner cockroach paradise will begin! Let's get on with it!