The Life-Changing Blog of Daily Affirmations

I am powerless to stop the ants from taking over my house.

2005-12-19T14:38:00.000-08:00

Afternoon affirmation. Whether or not you have ants, repeat this affirmation twelve times. Remember, you can never be too emotionally prepared for bad things!

Blogging is a worthwhile activity!

2005-12-16T09:55:00.000-08:00

Morning affirmation, just for me... though feel free to use it if you've been neglecting your blog. I will repeat this ten times today and again this evening if necessary. See y'all tomorrow, maybe!

I'm melting!!!! I'm melting...!!

2005-11-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation in a quiet, high, squeaky voice when you or someone you're with is drinking a beverage with ice in it. Repeat it, oh... maybe twelve times, or until your friend starts to look really annoyed. Then say it three more times.

My back is weak and my mind muddied.

2005-11-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

Afternoon affirmation. No, let's make this a morning affirmation. Repeat fifteen to twenty-three times as you prepare for yet another pointless day.

I'm cultivating dust.

2005-11-15T12:03:00.000-08:00

Morning affirmation. Don't dust! Don't clean! Instead, repeat this affirmation twenty times each morning. Soon you'll have enough dust to sell on eBay!

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they will.

2005-11-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat 1010 times (in binary).

I am so ashamed!

2005-11-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

Evening affirmation. Hang your head low and say this affirmation slowly ten times.

I do not make time for my hobbies.

2005-10-30T17:40:00.000-08:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat this affirmation ten times in the evening, or whenever you start to think that maybe life is not all about working hard. Snap out of it! Remember, you are not worthy of enjoying any free time at all, especially if you'd use it for something so fulfilling as a hobby. Shame on you. Really, the nerve! Hmph.

My life is stagnant.

2005-10-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. In a dull, uninterested tone of voice, repeat this affirmation over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Each day I get older and older.

2005-10-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. This one will come true whether you repeat it or not. However, to feel the full effect, look in a mirror and repeat this affirmation to yourself ten times in the evening before you go to bed. For best results, make sure you are standing under a harsh light that shows every wrinkle and blemish, and that accentuates the stains on your teeth.

Just ignore me.

2005-10-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Yawn. Repeat this affirmation a few times to your reflection... or, if you have any friends, say it to them at least three times a day.

I will stub my toe today.

2005-10-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times each at 7am, 8am, 10:17am, and 11:30am.

I am ugly and mean.

2005-10-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat this affirmation twelve times while eating breakfast, and another eight times before leaving your house for the day. If you don't leave the house all day, repeat the affirmation while gazing out the window. If you don't eat breakfast, you really ought to. Nothing gives you better start on the day than a good breakfast... except for a classic affirmation like "I'm ugly and mean".

The rain will never stop.

2005-10-15T19:34:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. This affirmation is good on a rainy day, but you can say it on a sunny or foggy day and people will just think you're being poetic. You can pour water on yourself if it makes you feel better. Oh yeah... repeat thirty-two times for best results.

I must do my part to help the world burn out more quickly.

2005-10-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation fifteen times at 4:12pm. Repeat an additional three times whenever you drive without a darn good reason, toss a can into the trash, or eat a cheeseburger. The sooner the age of humans ends, the sooner cockroach paradise will begin! Let's get on with it!

I need more stuff.

2005-10-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

Repeat whenever it seems appropriate. That is, whenever there is something nearby that you could buy, steal, or "borrow".

It's not my problem.

2005-10-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Reflect on your day with this relaxing affirmation. Repeat twenty times each evening and try not to feel guilty for whatever it was you didn't do that day.

With each passing day, I become less and less competent.

2005-10-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself while looking at your feet.

What's the use?

2005-10-09T23:16:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Do whatever you like with it. It doesn't really matter. It's all pointless anyway.

Everyone can tell I'm a loser.

2005-10-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Is your mood a little too positive? Remedy the situation with this inspiring affirmation! Gaze at your reflection and repeat ten to thirty-two times while sniffing a cloth sprinkled with bergamot oil. You'll feel worse in no time!

Who needs money anyway?

2005-10-05T10:40:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat fifteen times. Also works in the afternoon and evening.

I'm such a freakin' dork!

2005-10-05T00:44:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Don't hang your head in shame; instead, repeat this affirmation ten times to yourself while looking in a mirror.

Inspiration is for sissies.

2005-09-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times while trying to think of something interesting to say. Then blurt out whatever nonsense comes to mind and just hope no one is paying attention. Trust me, they aren't.

I'm great! Really! No, seriously! I'm cool! I'm not being sarcastic! No, I'm not on drugs! I just think I'm pretty much OK! Yeah!!!!

2005-09-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Don't worry, this feeling will pass. In the meantime, repeat twenty times out loud to yourself and to anyone who happens to be around.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.

2005-09-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation seven times, then go eat some veggie spam spam tofu and spam.... And always look on the bright side of life.

It's better to just keep bad feelings bottled up inside.

2005-09-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat this affirmation ten times to yourself in the morning to prepare for your day. Don't worry, if a feeling is meant to be shared, eventually it will be. No need to burden people ahead of time.

Without the approval of other people, I am worthless.

2005-09-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation twenty times to ensure that your sense of self is as developed as possible.

If I insult people they won't notice my faults.

2005-09-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Prepare yourself for a productive day by arming yourself with this helpful affirmation. Repeat ten times to your reflection in the morning and whenever you need a little boost throughout the day.

The next frog I kiss will definitely be a prince!

2005-09-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Don't give up, no matter how many cold, slimy mouths you have to press against your lips... no matter how many dead flies end up on your chin... no matter how soggy with pond water your shoes get. When you start to doubt fairy tales, repeat this affirmation twenty times in a joyful, lilting voice. The next frog could be him!

The sunshine mocks me.

2005-09-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

Anytime but night time affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself whenever the mood strikes you... only when there is sunshine, of course! Shake your fist at the sky for enhanced results.

Someday my bottle-cap collection will save the world.

2005-09-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat five times at 9pm and ten times at 11:04pm. This affirmation is a delightful way to cap your day. It's just one way of cultivating the delusion of grandeur that is so important these days.

I will never get organized.

2005-09-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat ten times in a disorganized manner.

I love bills!

2005-09-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation ten times to yourself as you go out to get your mail. It makes getting mail even more FUN!

Sugar is good for my teeth.

2005-08-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat this affirmation to yourself while enjoying your breakfast. Don't talk with your mouth full!

Disgust with oneself is a sign of strength.

2005-08-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

Midnight affirmation. This is a great affirmation for those insomniac nights when your "should'ves" list just seems to keep growing. To pacify yourself enough to get four or five hours of sleep, repeat this affirmation in a low voice thirty times while lying down in a quiet, dark room. If that doesn't work, take a sleeping pill or something.

My life is a rickety roller coaster!

2005-08-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat in a believable voice (one that most people would believe is you unless they listened reallllly carefully) fifteen times exactly one half-hour before going to bed. The creaking and shaking of life's roller coaster is what makes it FUN! If you see nails falling out and wood splinterng, all the better!

Pine cones are my friends.

2005-08-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Gaze in a shiny mirror and repeat this affirmation out loud eleven times to yourself. Try not to blink!

The key to the universe is within someone else's mind.

2005-08-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation to yourself in a public place. Try to guess which person in your view is holding the key to the universe in their minds. When you think you've figured it out, chase them down, shove them to the ground, and demand that they hand over the damn key! For your efforts you will be blessed with eternal wisdom.

I am incapable of participating in a loving relationship.

2005-08-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times each night while looking at your reflection in a mirror. This affirmation may be also shortened to make it easier to share with others (on dates, during arguments, in line at the DMV...): "I am incapable of love."

I am a pink fetal sheep.

2005-08-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. You can be anything you want to, but I know you want to be a pink fetal sheep. Repeat this affirmation twelve times in the afternoon and get in touch with your inner unborn lamb.

I'll never amount to anything.

2005-08-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. What better way to start your day than with a Life-Changing Affirmation? Repeat this one ten times over your morning coffee and you'll be ready to take on the world!

What's that smell? Oh, it's me.

2005-08-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat this uplifting affirmation to yourself fifteen to twenty-one times per day. Especially effective when paired with aromatherapy. In this case, the scent to choose is your own underarms or feet, depending on which one is strongest. Sniff deeply, and exhale fully between each sniff.

The best anger is anger at your faults.

2005-08-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

Tea-time affirmation. Gaze into your cup of tea and repeat this affirmation fifteen times. Do this at least once a day and by the end of one week you should feel a distinct change in your mood.

The devil is within me.

2005-08-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. To harness the full power of this affirmation, repeat to yourself in a loud, yet whispery voice thirteen times immediately upon awakening.

I am a master of mediocrity.

2005-07-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat fifteen times to yourself at least one time each evening. If you do not excel in mediocrity by the end of one week, let me know. I will give you another affirmation to test. We'll get this right eventually! Mostly.... OK, as good as we can, which isn't really saying much.

I contribute nothing useful to the world.

2005-07-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat this affirmation whenever you start to get a big ego.

Always remember to follow your dreams!

2005-07-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Sing this affirmation out as joyfully as possible at least seventeen times in the early morning hours. It doesn't matter what your dreams are--whether it is to go to school in your underwear, to be in a play that you haven't ever rehersed for, to fall off a cliff, or to make out with Shrek on top of your ex-boyfriend's car--you must always honor your dreams and work to make them come true! This affirmation will help you pursue your dreams.

I cannot reveal my sources.

2005-07-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself and to anyone who looks in your direction.

The Life-Changing Blog of Daily Affirmations is the best website ever!

2005-07-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

Morning, afternoon, and evening affirmation. Repeat ten times in a row, three or more times per day, in a loud, sincere, passionate voice. Do this in public if possible... or at least loud enough for your neighbors to hear. This is an extremely powerful affirmation that could change the world as we know it. Get to it, my dear readers!

My undiagnosed bone cancer is spreading.

2005-07-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Lie down is a quiet place, take several deep breaths, and repeat this affirmation twenty-three times in the early evening. Pay close attention to how your body feels before and afterwards. You should notice a distinct difference in your overall sense of health.

Hello, moderately good-looking!

2005-07-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. What better way to start your day than by affirming your tolerable appearance? Repeat at least ten times while looking in the bathroom mirror. Remember to smile!

I am tossed about through life like a leaf in the wind.

2005-07-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat this affirmation fifty-three times before retiring for the night. Remember: leaves that do not get blown around become mulch. You don't want to be mulch, do you?

Hellooooooo! Anybody out there?!?

2005-07-14T15:14:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Say this loudly a few times, no matter where you happen to be. Perhaps someone will answer and affirm their presence?

Life is an endless parade of misery and futility punctuated by short moments of mild happiness.

2005-07-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times while gazing at yourself in any reflective surface: a mirror, a cup of black coffee, the back of a CD-ROM, a stranger's sunglasses, etc.

If you can't be someone's hero, be their heroin.

2005-07-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat this affirmation to yourself at least thirty-seven times between the hours of 6pm and 11pm.

I am a petty, petty person.

2005-07-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times in the most convincing tone you can muster while looking in a sparkling clean mirror.

Why is everybody staring at me?!?

2005-07-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat twenty-two times loudly at 2pm and five times under your breath whenever someone looks in your direction.

I only know sad songs.

2005-07-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat seven times at 5pm and another twenty-one times immediately before going to bed.

Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat.

2005-07-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat fifteen times as quickly as possible immediately after waking up. If faced with a complicated task later in the day, revisit this affirmation; you will appreciate your life for the cakewalk it is.

I've never been so depressed in my whole life.

2005-07-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat twelve times while sitting crosslegged on a park bench. You may substitute a phonebook for the bench if necessary.

Obsessively checking blogs will make you a healthy, happy person, full of light and good will.

2005-07-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

All-day affirmation. Repeat this affirmation each time you notice that you haven't looked at a blog in the last twenty minutes. For added benefits, refer to the blogs you visit in casual conversations with your coworkers and friends.

Mystery is a Mister, not a Miss.

2005-06-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Meditate on this affirmation three times in the afternoon. Try not to think of a sobbing blue rhino.

Jesus don't want me for a rainbow.

2005-06-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. I have no idea what this means, but I find the message appealing somehow. Go ahead and repeat it to yourself thirteen times while gazing in a mirror. Let me know if anything bad happens; this is, after all, an untested affirmation.

Being right is more important than being happy.

2005-06-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself in a mirror after an argument with a loved one. If you are feeling bold, say the affirmation loud enough that they will hear you. In addition, if you are seeing a counselor, repeat the affirmation three times at the beginning of your session, and three times at the end. As you can see, this is a versatile affirmation.

When someone makes you mad, the best response is to try to make them mad, too.

2005-06-10T18:33:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. This affirmation gets straight to the heart of your inner slightly-disturbed child. Repeat it five to nine times while seething in a mirror. And remember: it is important to always take things personally!

When strangers don't smile it's because I'm a bad person.

2005-06-08T16:16:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Get ready for a wonderfully upsetting day by repeating this affirmation ten times while looking in a mirror. Don't bother cleaning the mirror first unless you want to magnify the effects of the affirmation.

It is always darkest right after you are blindfolded.

2005-06-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat this affirmation ten times while looking in a mirror. Then blindfold yourself and repeat another ten times. Remove the blindfold and repeat another ten times. Repeat this sequence as desired until you have to go to work or otherwise do something useful.

To know me is to tolerate me.

2005-06-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. This is the best affirmation ever! Repeat fifteen times in the mid- to late-afternoon and absorb the awsome power of change that affirmations can offer. Especially this one!

I have no fashion sense.

2005-05-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

Morning afirmation. Repeat five times upon waking and again seven times while staring into your closet at all the clothes you don't want to wear.

I need to spend less time in nature.

2005-05-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Prepare yourself for tempting sunshiney days by repeating this affirmation to yourself ten times every morning. Resist the call of the trees! Resist the cooling waters of the river! If you must leave your house, do yourself a favor and go to the mall.

Every day is worse than the one before.

2005-05-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat twelve times after dinner. Then spend some time reflecting on your day.

I love my bunions.

2005-05-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. To see the beauty in pain and discomfort, repeat this affirmation at least twelve times in the evening right before you take off your shoes.

"Daily" means "every day" not "every week or so".

2005-05-13T03:45:00.000-07:00

This affirmation is just for me. Apparently I'm lost like a sock at the laundromat. I've been neglecting my duties! This affirmation will help me remember to provide a new, helpful affirmation for you every day. Or it should anyway. If not... well, we just won't think about that possibility. La la la la la!

When I see the weasel, the weasel also sees me.

2005-05-13T03:39:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat to yourself seven times at 7:30am and again at 9:00am. If you see a weasel, stop whatever you're doing and give the weasel a long, penetrating stare so that it may also benefit from this affirmation.

Irritations eventually make pearls.

2005-05-03T22:56:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Reflect on this affirmation after a full day of blessing people with small irritations. For best results, repeat the affirmation ten to fifteen times to yourself in the most peaceful, self-satisfied voice possible. This should be easy; after all, your grating attitude towards others will eventually result in beautiful pearls!

The world doesn't need aother song about rainbows.

2005-05-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat to yourself ten times at 2pm and again at 4pm. Use as needed when you get the urge to write songs about rainbows and what's on the other side. There are better things to do with your time.

A tree is to the wind as I am to the pond.

2005-04-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times upon awakening. At some point during the day, take a moment to reflect on the pond. This works best if you are actually leaning over it.

I just can't do anything right.

2005-04-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

Anytime affirmation. Repeat to yourself out loud, but under your breth, at least five times whenever you do the slightest thing wrong. Oh crap! I misspelled "breath" back there. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. I just can't do anything right. Ah, I feel much better!

If only my eyes were brown, everyone would love me.

2005-04-24T10:09:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat to yourself eleven time in a calm, serene voice while gazing at your reflection in a mirror. Afterwards, devote at least 20 minutes to wallowing in your own despair, knowing you can never change your eye color and therefore you will never be loved. Oh, unless you get colored contacts.

I am not as unique as I think.

2005-04-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat to yourself twenty times, or until the words just stop making sense.

When in doubt, throw a fit.

2005-04-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat twenty times in a steadily increasing volume until someone actually LISTENS to what you're FREAKING TRYING to SAY! It may help to stomp your right foot to accent every other syllable. If the spirit moves you, feel free to thrash around on the ground and cry.

Oneness is achieved by ensuring that all your body parts are intact.

2005-04-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat ten times upon awakening. Repeat thirty times if one of your arms has fallen asleep.

Eating lentils is the way to enlightenment.

2005-04-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

Dinertime affirmation. Repeat this affirmation with each bite of yummy lentil soup.

All the world is a stage, and all the people merely puppets forced to dance a crazy dance for the amusement of some sick weirdos.

2005-04-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

Midnight affirmation. In the dead of night, when no one is around and you start to believe that no one--absolutely no one--cares about you, repeat this affirmation is a breathy whisper until you feel a little better. It may take a while, but be patient. However, if morning arrives and you're still as panic-stricken and pathetic as before, just move on to another affirmation already. Geez.

It's not that I don't have enough money; it's that I don't have enough credit cards.

2005-04-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Lunchtime affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself on your way to lunch and again just before the check arrives. Alternatively, "forget" your wallet at home and ask your companion to "help you out".

Anyone who likes me must be worth avoiding.

2005-04-14T20:42:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat five times before and after each date.

I need to get my nose pierced.

2005-04-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat to yourself thirteen times upon awakening each morning.

Dutiful is beautiful!

2005-04-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

Tea-time affirmation. Repeat five times with each sip of tea. Hmm, this tea would be even better with a splash of soymilk, no?

With each breath I become more and more like Kid Rock.

2005-04-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Say to yourself ten times while gazing at your awsome, manly reflection in a mirror. You can use a hairbrush for a "mic" if you're into that.

April showers bring May humidity.

2005-04-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

Springtime affirmation. Repeat to yourself five times, twice a day.

Smiling keeps the creeps away.

2005-04-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself while looking in a round mirror.

If I act really psychotic, he'll come back to me.

2005-04-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat in your own head ten times at 8pm and at least twelve times at 10pm. Don't move your lips, dammit! After each session, call your ex and scream at him or her. Then, drive by the house of the person you suspect they are seeing, letting your car idle in front of the house until you see movement inside the house. Then speed off! Later, go to a bar and get drunk and cry to strangers about how mistreated you were and how perfect your relationship was. Swear you're going to get a restraining order against your ex and their (possible) new partner. Call your ex and appologize for your behavior and swear you love them and that's why you're so mean to them. Remember to cry a LOT. If you do this often enough they'll come back to you, I promise. And you'll live happily ever after!

Nobody understands me.

2005-04-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat to see the end because therein lies the truth. Remember to perceive often enough and tie up all the passages.

I am completely lacking in imagination and spirt.

2005-04-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

Midnight affirmation. Say it! Say it! Say it! Six more times! Rah rah rah!

I am completely lacking in imagination and spirit.

2005-04-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat ten times in the most exuberant voice you can muster.

Each day is a little crappier than the last.

2005-04-02T19:01:00.000-08:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat ten times before bed to ensure pleasant dreams and a bright, sunshiney morning!

I am completely lacking in imagination and spirit.

2005-04-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

Afternoon affirmation. Repeat ten times to yourself. Try to be covincing.

I am completely lacking in imagination and spirit.

2005-03-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

Evening affirmation. Repeat nine times (plus one) while looking at yourself in a mirror. Remember to keep eye contact!

My life has no meaning.

2005-03-30T09:32:00.000-08:00

Morning affirmation. Repeat a few times at 8am, 8:30am, and 11am. If you care, anyway.

There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.

2005-03-29T20:18:00.000-08:00

Morning affirmation. After a long night of not sleeping, repeat this affirmation several times. It might make you feel better. If you're lucky.